feelings

i'm at my dad's house in Spain. sunbleached and soaked. the one night i've spent here was stifling, like being trapped under a big white duvet, unable to fling it off.

the seven family members that are currently staying have all gone for a bike ride along the dusty roads and i'm tired of floundering in the pool, so here i am, alone with my blog. i haven't been up to writing in a while, i've had a lot on my mind.

i've got this feeling like there's a magnet in my stomach pulling all these feelings in from everywhere, really strongly. and sometimes they migrate upward to my head. but mainly they're just there, stuck on this magnet, heavy and warm.

i had this dream the other day that i can't stop thinking about. i'd fallen out with someone special to me and it was full of emptiness, this dream. i remember returning to my room that is all snow white, and on the bed there was just this imprint of something, of someone having been there, like the cave of Philoctetes. there was a box of matches on the bed that had been played with, and some of the matches had been stuck straight up out of the little matchbox-drawer so it looked like some kind of architectural structure. the air was so sad and heavy with memories, but memories that i could not grasp.

later in this dream i tried to use the telephone but my fingers were pressing the wrong numbers no matter how hard i tried.

being alone with my own thoughts drives me mad, but it also urges me to write.