publishing

hi. i need to talk to you.

i made brownies today. there were two batches

1. stuck to the bottom of the tin and fell out in ruin.
2. ok, a little burnt.
i usually go to sleep at 11 but i can't. i feel confused and butterfly-stomached-jellyfishlike. i fell asleep in the day for two hours, i was really exhausted. i didn't even have time to properly get on the bed, my legs were on the floor and i fell asleep face down. there's a sprinkler going off outside that sounds like rain. and i painted my nails with a colour for the first time in ages. there. my life.

i've been having flashbacks. i think at least once a day a picture emerges in my mind of something past - like a bowl of pasta i ate as a kid, or a book i used to read, or a beach... and it's a feeling that infuses me. and it's always attached to a seemingly random event from my history. i wonder what these memories are doing still rattling around in my subconscious.

i'm boring myself already. i am planning a tattoo though. i've decided where i want it.

this week is my cookery week. it's an experiment designed to help me start looking after myself so i don't get ill again. i have no time to cook tomorrow though. maybe the brownies from today can count. though i'm not sure how 250g of margarine, 250g of chocolate (or that which made it into the bowl, and not into my mouth) and shitloads of caster sugar isn't a recipe for disease. I may have to start on Tuesday.

my stomach is  knots.